A New Meaning of Forgiveness

I’m preparing for a parenting workshop I’m doing in April for a private school using the book, “The Power of Showing Up” by Dan Siegel, MD, & Tina Bryson, PhD. I’m learning more than I bargained for. Have you ever experienced ‘just wanting to read for information’ but now having to process life? While this book addresses parenting and how to be a constant and secure place for one’s child(ren), it also addresses resolving one’s own past traumas and childhood attachment injuries. The book lists four S’s for a child needing to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.

I wonder when the last time you felt seen. There is a value in being known both as children and as adults. One of the biggest takeaways I am still processing about this book is about forgiveness. I have never heard it quite described in this way. “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past” (p72). The authors go onto say, “In many ways, we come to forgive ourselves for the adaptations we had to make, and to accept not only who we’ve been, but who we are now inviting ourselves to become” (p72).

This does not mean that we cannot grieve what has happened to us. On the contrary, we need to grieve what we missed and what we went through. And not just about our childhood. Decisions along the way. Partners or spouses who hurt us. Teachers or coaches who belittled us. Pastors or other religious people who caused us religious or spiritual trauma. Those are all real and the hurts need to be named.

And, after we have grieved, we can forgive ourselves. Because we did the best we could with what we knew or with what little power we possessed at that time. How do you need to move forward? As a single or in a marriage; as a parent or as an empty nester? In a new job or place of worship? What does moving forward look like to you? What would forgiveness look like in your journey?

If you would like help in working through forgiveness, trauma or grieving, please reach out! What would your journey look like if you were free from what was holding you back in moving forward? I would be happy to explore with you.