Finding Support While Experiencing Infertility
Why we only designate one week out of the year to bring awareness to infertility is beyond me. We designate other days like: Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, Grandparent’s Day and Ice Cream Day. Shouldn’t those be recognized every day?? Those living with the ambiguous loss and disappointing hope of infertility do not get a day off of their empty cribs and wombs. It is a constant reminder to those women and men desperately longing to be parents and for this black hole to be filled.
Infertility is a grief and longing like no other. According to the National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), “No matter what race, religion, sexuality or economic status you are, infertility doesn’t discriminate.” Hearing a doctor say you will not conceive without IVF (Invitro fertilization) and even with IVF, there is still a slim chance, is soul crushing and devastating. To make matters worse, infertility leads to isolation which then leads to suffering.
What Infertility Is Like
When my husband and I were going through the IVF process and sitting in the waiting room nine years ago, I was amazed at how many couples were affected. It just wasn’t talked about. Research tells us that one in eight will struggle with infertility. Let me write that a different way: 1 in 8. I’m sure you have learned, unfortunately by now, that people can be oblivious and somewhat cruel in their ignorance. Sometimes when people learn of one’s infertility, advice—poor advice—can follow. They can throw hurtful religious rhetoric around, tell you it is God’s will that you do not have babies, or tell you that going through IVF is sinful or that you are playing God. If pregnancy works and the couple gets their long-awaited bundle of joy, others are quick to ask when they will conceive another one. Or the judgmental look and comment of, “Oh, you just have the one. An added insult to injury with some couples is called ‘secondary infertility’.
About Secondary Infertility
This is when a couple can naturally conceive the first time with a full-term pregnancy, have a child and then are unable to get pregnant again with no medical reason. They are left in complete confusion and discombobulation as to what happened and how to answer questions from well meaning, but oftentimes hurtful friends and family members.
One never gets over the pain of infertility, nor do they know when bouts of sadness can fall on them like a summer pop up shower. One can be walking through Target and go past the maternity section, and it feels like they were gut punched. Another time they could take a stroll in the park and see a plethora of strollers and squealing children, and not be fazed.
Four Ways to Find Support While Experiencing Infertility
What does one do if they have been diagnosed with infertility? First, find the right medical doctor who treats infertility and who will listen to your needs and be supportive of your hopes.
Second, find a therapist who specializes in infertility. This would be an area I would encourage you to find a therapist who has gone through IVF themselves. Many of my infertility clients have told me how helpful it was for me to have already known terms and the multitude of shots and blood drawn and what numbers met. They said they did not have to explain the details of the process, but felt able to go straight into their story, heartache, and grief.
Third, feel your feels. As Emily Nagoski says, “Feelings are tunnels that you have to go through.” Fourth, take care of yourself. You do not have to go to baby showers, church on Mother’s Day or Easter (gasp), attend christenings or any other event that will cause you emotional pain.
Lastly, remember you are not alone. Find your tribe in this time. Surround yourself with those who love you and have no ulterior motive except to surround you with love and compassion.
About Melissa Hunter
Dr. Melissa Hunter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor (LMFT-S) in Texas. She graduated from the University of Mary-Hardin Baylor with a Bachelor’s degree in Religion with a minor in Psychology, received a Master of Divinity (MDiv) from Truett Seminary at Baylor University, and has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy from Texas Woman’s University. Read Dr. Hunter’s s full biography here.