I recently read an article in Psychology Today by Anita Schmalor, PhD. The article was about a plane crash where 3 adults died but 4 indigenous children survived. The children were siblings ages 13, 9, 4, and 11 months. They lived 40 days in a remote rainforest until they were found. The children were found gaunt, dehydrated, and exhausted—but they were together and alive! They lived off fruits, seeds, and roots and slept on piles of gathered banana leaves to stay warm. They had salvaged a bag of yuca flour from the plane and dissolved small batches of it in water and drop fed it from banana leaves to the baby.
Dr. Schmalor wrote that in the modern Western world, we tend to view children as basically incapable. Many clients come with the belief that children need reward and punishment to learn right from wrong; protection from risks, and constant direction and control. She wrote that many times parents’ step in to do things for children that they could do for themselves. Both toddlers and children learn from unstructured free play. They also learn from us—adults. Children make sense of the world and their role in it through us. When we don’t allow them to participate in the chores we do, they learn that helping is not part of their role. When we correct much of what they do and say, they learn that their instincts cannot be trusted. When we constantly reward or punish them, they learn that they need to be bribed to do what is right.
Whereas in Indigenous communities, Dr. Schmalor wrote, they view children as capable human beings who deserve respect from the moment they’re born. The children are not left to fend for themselves, rather the community as a whole are attuned. Surrounded by loving others who offer companionship, guidance, and closeness when they seek it, children develop confidence in their ability to navigate the world and learn, at a deep psychological level that they are wanted and welcome. They learn to trust other people and also learn to trust themselves.
What can we as parents learn from indigenous cultures: One, include all children in chores—even toddlers. Two, let children play on their own in mixed age groups when possible. Three, talk less, engage more and remain present. Find a trusted licensed family therapist (LMFT) who can help you navigate roles in the family, express and implement boundaries, and find ways to engage and play as a family together.
About Melissa Hunter
Dr. Melissa Hunter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor (LMFT-S) in Texas. She graduated from the University of Mary-Hardin Baylor with a Bachelor’s degree in Religion with a minor in Psychology, received a Master of Divinity (MDiv) from Truett Seminary at Baylor University, and has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy from Texas Woman’s University. Read Dr. Hunter’s s full biography here.