When do I start couples therapy?

How does one know when to start couples therapy? Just like having one cough does not warrant a trip to the doctor’s office, one argument does not mean the couple should seek out a therapist. However, if physical issues persist and become bothersome or worse, those are your bodies signs letting you know it is time to seek a physician. The same is true for when couples should seek couples therapy. There are emotional and marital signs that give us indicators of an issue that should be checked out.

Signals to indicate professional help may be needed

1. You no longer feel physically or emotionally safe—especially in arguments.
2. Children are being affected by the constant tension.
3. You see your partner as the ‘enemy’ or ‘other’ and it has become an ‘us vs them’.
4. You feel misunderstood or invalidated by your partner.
5. You feel unseen or unloved.
6. Fights have become more about being right and winning over loving and validating your partner.
7. Words are no longer clear and kind.
8. The word ‘Divorce’ is weaponized.
9. Name calling, put downs, and constant yelling are used in arguments.
10. You feel like you are living more as roommates than as a couple or spouse.
11. You feel stuck and want a change.

What to expect in a first couples counseling session

When a couple recognizes these above signs and makes an appointment with a therapist, what should a couple expect in the first couple’s session? When a new couple makes an appointment with me, they are sent consent forms. It is imperative that the forms are completed before the first session because ethically, it gives me license and permission to see the client. The questionnaire sent to my clients helps me to prepare for the session by gaining information about the clients, background, and issue(s) bringing them into therapy. Upon arrival, either face-to-face or virtually, I give my confidentiality information, and ask how I can be a part of their journey. Sometimes the couple knows the exact event and issue they want addressed. Other times, however, they say they have no idea where to start. One of the most frequent answers I hear is the need to work on communication. Asking questions and gathering information is the process of the first session. Tell me your story. Sometimes I find it helpful to ask if there was one thing that could alleviate some anxiety or pain or bring you peace tonight as your head hits the pillow, what would it be? It is my goal that everyone in the therapy room and space feels heard and validated. I know that there is great pain that sometimes stems from years of unaddressed issues. I remind the couple that they did not get this way overnight, and while they want to alleviate their pain right now, it will take time and hard work. I offer hope to the couple because they have made the first step in strengthening or repairing their relationship by deciding to enter therapy and address the issues. We go over a collaborative approach of a plan of care, frequency, setting up another appointment and goals for therapy.

Contact

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